Happy Birthday Aniki!
by Irreversible Interlude
Summary: Like all good siblings, Sasuke sends "gifts" to his beloved Aniki on his B-days.


**Title: **Happy Birthday Aniki!

**Author: **Irreversible Interlude

**Type:** One-shot (Complete)

**Genre:** General/Humor

**Rating:** T

**Summary****: **Like all good little siblings, Sasuke send "gifts" to his beloved Aniki on his birthdays.

* * *

**Itachi – Age: 18:**

A pillow bounced on his face.

Twitch.

Another bigger pillow ricocheted off of his nose.

Twitch. Twitch.

Who on earth is trying to wake him up at this most _ungodly_ hour?

Today was a Saturday, damn it, and since Akatsuki had no current work, he planned to get a full replenishing rest. **Screw this**.

Burying his face into the soft bed, Itachi missed the fact that the waking attempts continued, and showed no signs of ceasing.

Actually, as time passed, the more daring said waking attempts became. Whoever it was had the gall to tickle – _tickle_ – the Uchiha's elegant feet.

_How dare they!?_

The drowsy Sharingan user thought he even heard threats of painting his toes in hot pink polish nail(s).

Being the genius he was though, Uchiha Itachi decided to ignore the threat. After all, who in the right mind would do such a thing to a famous missing-nin like him? It was just short of suicide.

5 minutes later, he _did _feel something wet on his toe nails ...but he quickly dismissed it for Kisame's drool. Having been an object that said former Mist-nin had always drooled on for the last 5 years, believe it or not, Itachi had gotten used to it. Besides, no matter how much he had threatened the shark look - alike, Kisame had never – _could never_ - stop, because hey, drooling is natural human behavior after all. (Not saying _he _drooled or anything of course – Uchihas never drool – with the exception being Sasuke because he was a failure, but that's beside the point...) He could wash it off later when he's good and ready.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Uchiha Itachi was beginning to get annoyed of this. Here he was, just trying to get his beauty sleep and some psycho decides to bother him. Is leaving him alone to sleep in peace just too much to ask? What is with people these days...?

Itachi finally decided that it was the last straw when calloused fingers pinched his nostrils, preventing him from breathing.

_I swear that if that's Kisame I'll Tsukiyomi him into the next century..._

Blearily opening up his eyes, Itachi faintly registered a poof of smoke.

_Kage no Bunshin...?_

Groggily sitting up, the onyx-eyed young teenager tried to shake the last remnants of sleep out of his system. He failed miserably, as he could feel his eyelids droop slowly down again... (Well, that's a first time that Itachi failed at something) That was until he heard a squeaky, high-pitched, and rather robotic voice coming from behind him.

**"Aniki! You-are-an-evil-idiot. You-are-an-evil-idiot. You-are-an-evil-idiot. Aniki!"**

The Uchiha blinked. Rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't still sleeping or dreaming, he twisted his head around to see what was making that aggravating noise.

He blinked again. _No way..._

Itachi came as close to gaping as he ever could in life.

There, sitting innocently on his silken bed was a metallic (plastic?) impersonation of what appears to be ... Sasuke? Said impersonation was a doll, and had hands and legs and even clothes that looked like his younger brother's. (Remember the blue shirt with the Uchiha Clan symbol?) Even the onyx eyes were eerily similar to Sasuke's.

What was even freakier was that the metallic toy doll was holding a flowery card that had balloon decorations all over it, looped with a red ribbon, and bold letters that read: **"Happy Birthday Aniki!"** Squinting, at the smaller letters that lined the bottom of the cover was a: **"From Sasuke."**

Slowly, the eldest Uchiha reached towards the card, and, as if in a dazed manner, lifted said card out of the robot toy's clutches.

Now, Uchiha Itachi was a very efficient and strong shinobi who borderline paranoia. Usually, the Sharingan user would have been very wary and cautious of this metal doll and its Happy B-day card. (And unexpected creepy packages in general)

Unfortunately, it must have been the shock of receiving a _BIRTHDAY_ card from a brother who he know hates him and wants to see him dead that hadn't quite sunk in yet.

Thus, the missing-nin wasn't prepared to see the robot thingy lift its hands in a seal and burst out fire from its fingertips.

**"Die-Itachi! I-have-fulfilled-my-revenge!"** (Well, wasn't this just like Sasuke to let a toy robot finish the job for him...)

Fortunately, possessing great reflexes and a very calculative and cunning mind, (he is an Akatsuki member after all) Itachi knew just what to do.

Using a replacement technique, Uchiha Itachi survives once again.

... It was just too bad his replacement didn't.

* * *

Kisame wasn't usually a light sleeper (most ninjas weren't) but since the exhausting mission from last night, he couldn't help but embrace sleeps seductive lures.

Thus, he ignored all of the morning's irritable noises, dismissing them as figments of his imagination and dreams. Well, he was rather successful too, until he smelled burnt hair and smoke.

Inwardly he swore. _Damn! Itachi tried to cook again didn't he? The poor sod probably burnt his hair this time... _

And thus was the reason why the former Mist-nin sleepily flickered his eyes open, only to widen them drastically as he saw his psychotic partner finish a water justu.

"Wha-" Groggily forming words, Kisame knew that he should have seen this one coming. The Uchiha heir was a well known homicidal person after all, and added on with his mental family issues, the ex-Mist shinobi knew right then and there that he should have requested for a partner-exchange from Pein a longgggggg time ago.

Those were his last thoughts before water came tumbling down upon his half-awakened form.

**SPLASH!** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

**xxxxXXXXxxxxxxx**

"Pluthhtpstth," gurgling and spitting out water, the blue-man glared balefully at Itachi when the latter had not shown any action that had relayed an "I want to kill you" message.

"Well, if you wanted to wake me up, you could have called me, you know?! Or if the base is under attack or on fire or something, you didn't have to splash goddamn water on me!!" It must still be the after affects of shock, Kisame numbly thought... Because nobody talked that way to Uchiha Itachi and still lived.

Surprisingly, the only thing that the Sharingan user did was handed him a mirror.

"Look," was the one word command that his partner gave him before exiting their bedroom quarters, holding something that looked suspiciously like a plushy toy and card on the way out.

Frowning at his comrades weird actions, the powerful blue-looking shinobi turned to look into the small hand mirror that Itachi seemed to always carry around. (No doubt for putting on lipstick or some other form of make-up)

What Kisame saw made him freeze in horror.

_Oh Dear __**God!**__ Who is __**that?!**_

The blue faced man that stared back at the ex-Mist ninja had half of his blue hair shaved – no – _burnt_ off of his head. Where there was once hair, only darkened black skin stared back, still emitting wispy smoke. _No - t-that can't be - no please...not my hair!_

Kisame screamed bloody murder.

* * *

Only feeling a little guilty for using Kisame (and his hair) as a replacement for himself to save his own skin, Itachi leaned against the bathroom door, staring intently at the Birthday card that he still didn't get to read.

Shaking his head, Itachi sighed. _Foolish little brother. You expected me to die because of this weak little toy?_

"Such an ambush is underhanded indeed..."

Smirking to himself, the eldest Uchiha proceeded to open the card, fully intending to read his little brother's message uninterrupted.

* * *

_Dear Aniki (you bast-),_

_I will try to refrain to use foul language in this "card" because it is your damn birthday today. (You know you would have been doing everyone a favor if you weren't born right?) Ahem, anyways, as I have been saying, today is your birthday, and as duty calls, I am your brother, (even though I would have done fine without that title) and as unwritten law recites, I must celebrate your birthday, no matter what. (Happy Birthday.)_

_Just you wait! I'll kill you one day, and then I'll celebrate your birthday with your gravestone. _

_HA! I also hoped you enjoyed the little toy robot. It is useful, no? I forgot to tell you that it detonates in around another half hour or so. Just thought you might want to know. (I'll be sending you presents every year when it's your birthday, so don't worry.) Aren't you proud of your little brother? He betrayed his village, and is now learning from creepy Orochimaru. (Personally, I think this guy's a pedophile, so you got any tips on how to handle him? ... He was your toy boy once right?) Anyways, always watch your back, kay? You never know what might hit you. _

_Go drown yourself Itachi,_

_Your brother, Sasuke xoxox_

* * *

**BOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!**

Closing his eyes, Itachi sighed again. _Well, there goes the robot bomb. _

This time, he had to make a jump out of the window to avoid being hit.

_That's going to cost a lot of money to repair..._

Oh gods. He was starting to sound like Kakuzu, and that would certainly not do.

_.. Foolish little brother... do you really think that you could kill me with these pitiful traps? _Staring down at the ground in thought as he escaped the worst of the damage, Itachi suddenly noticed that his toes were a vile, garish shade of pink.

_Oh hell no... Sasuke, you went too far!_

* * *

**Itachi – Age: 19:**

Pein blinked in astonishment. This was the most emotion Uchiha Itachi had ever shown to anyone.

_Heck_, this was the most emotion Itachi had ever shown in his_ life_.

Willing himself to calm down less he burst with laughter, Pein coolly regarded the fuming Uchiha.

"You do not want to rethink this, Itachi? This is rather reckless, and not like you at all."

Swirly gray eyes probed annoyed red ones.

Said red orbs glared back. "I won't repeat myself. My decision has been made. I will hunt Uchiha Sasuke down _now_."

Pein nodded, and swept amused eyes down to the pink, glittery, frilly, and red-hearted designed card with a big golden**"To My Stupid Bad-Ass Aniki"** plastered on its cover.

Huh. Gray orbs squinted.

... In the small left corner of the paper was a messily scrawled, **"Shrivel up and die."** _Well, that was touching._

... _What a lovely sibling relationship. _Pein mused.

He pondered on it. Even when one's in the clutches of a snake pedophile, inflamed by revenge, and another was in one of the most dangerous and ruthless organizations of the world with his own mental issues – they still have the time to send each other birthday cards.

_Lovely. Just lovely._

If only these touching "gifts" were a tad less destructive. (But they're still amusing)

Glancing around the now destroyed base, due to _certain _explosions involving exploding tags and a kunai Pein dropped his gaze back to the young genius before him.

_...Yeah... The young genius who's now __**bald**__ thanks to his younger brother's "gift"..._

Indeed, the Uchihas' once fine, ebony hair was completely gone. In its place was a disturbingly _shiny_, waxed, hairless scalp. (Kisame had volunteered to go buy an Afro wig for his partner, but Itachi flat out refused.)

Stifling the insane urge to laugh, Pein nodded his head curtly in assent, and watched as the other prodigy flickered away. No doubt to go kill his unsuspecting sibling

The Rinnegan user focused his attention back on the Birthday card:

* * *

_Dear Aniki,_

_...Lovely present huh? I hoped it blasted your brains out. (Cause I tried really hard to pack in as much exploding tags and dynamites as possible.)_

_It would be a shame if you really died though... I had wanted to kill you directly myself. Ah well. _

_Happy 19__th __Birthday Itachi,_

_-Sasuke-_

_P.S – I am so much stronger than you now, so you better watch it!_ (Scientific Fact involving "Sibling Love:" **It ain't perfect.**)

* * *

Pein raised his eyebrows. Hell, if he knew that having a younger brother was this amusing, he would've adopted Sasuke a long time ago. Itachi was just the luckier man... too bad he hadn't realize it yet.

* * *

**Itachi - Age**: **20:**

"..." Stunned silence.

"...Well, at least you still have your hair," Kisame commented at last.

"Though the pink clashes with your eyes when you use the Sharingan," Pein pointed out.

Uchiha Itachi, prodigy and proud Akatsuki member, bore a shocking cluster of short pink hair on his head. (Due to the birthday gift last year, his hair hadn't fully recovered...)

A sticky note on his forehead read: **"Happy 20th Birthday Itachi, you ass. I hope you like pink, because that was permanent dye. From Sasuke."**

Then, and only then, did Itachi regretted killing his clan.

* * *

**FIN**

**A.N: If you liked this fic, please leave a review. I just want honest opinions, so feel free to criticize and flame. **

**I would like to thank Solderini, because "Dear foolish litte brother" was a great inspiration. I would also like to say that I'm a great fan of Itachi, so don't get the impression that I hate him or something. I just wanted to see what it would be like for Sasuke to gain the upper hand once in a while, because being the younger sibling **_**is**_** a pain sometimes. **

**Thank-you! **


End file.
